Why---because I don’t yet look like Kate Moss or Lara Flynn Boyle?
Well I’ll tell you why I started to cry and get depressed. I was feeling light and fluffy with my new 1X shirt and shorts and asked my husband Tim to take some photos of me in the new slimmer version of my body. However, when I downloaded the pictures and looked at them—reality hit me like a ton of bricks or a ton of In-N-Out Burgers, (which I’ve probably consumed over my life time). I didn’t look like Kate Moss or Lara Flynn Boyle. No indeed. I still looked more like Kristie Alley or Momma Cass. I really took a hit to my self image.
See there is this person inside me that dictates how I view myself. You know that nagging little voice that tells you to mind your own business when you want to step in and correct your friend. Well that little girl inside my fat “suit” is still seventeen years old, weighs about 105 pounds and is the epitome of beauty and grace. It always amazed me when I passed a mirror and saw the image that was reflected back to me, I didn’t recognize that fat person. See in my mind, I wasn’t fat. I would stare in horror and disgust at the rotund woman in the mirror. Could that overly round, morbidly obese, dumpy looking person really be me? My inner slender teenager said no!
So now I’m asking myself what difference did an eighty pound weight loss make? Why do I feel like a failure even after so many people have congratulated me on my success? Why, why, why? Well because I have sooooo much more weight to lose. Probably another one hundred pounds or so before I can honestly say I’ve arrived, I actually like the person staring back at me from the mirror. The reality of those photos brought me up short and broke my (much skinner) heart.Monika, my exercises buddy, told me to stop and think about what I’ve actually accomplished in the last year and take specific notice of the changes I’ve made. So I thought I’d make a list. Now this is not a bragging session. So I don’t want you to think I’m boosting. I just wanted to make myself feel better. So let’s see.
1. I can see my toes. This may not be a big deal for you, but for me it was monumental.
2. I had to buy smaller shoes. Who’d a thought that! I went from a man’s size nine extra wide to a women’s eight.
3. I have lost eight inches off my stomach, six inches off my bust, seven inches off my butt, similar amounts off of my arms, legs and so forth.
4. I can get on the floor at the gym and bring my leg to my chest. (No obstructions.)
5. I can bend over and touch my toes and put my hand flat on the ground, no bent knees.
6. I don’t get out of breath when I walk.
7. I can exercise for two hours and not fell overly tired.
8. I can run up stadium stairs without much effort. (I did this while on vacation at Utah State University. Never in my wildest dreams could I see me doing something like that.)
9. I went from a size 4X to a size 1X and sometimes wear an XL t-shirt.
10. My face is thinner and I’ve lost a chin.
11. I went from a size 50DD bra to a 42D.
12. I don’t get respiratory illnesses as frequently as I once did. I actually haven't had bronchitis for two years.
13. My doctor lowered my prescriptions pills from three each for diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol to one pill for each.
14. I get by on about six hours of sleep.
15. I no longer watch endless hours of TV and fall asleep in the reclining chair.
Finally,
16. You’ll have to ask my husband about the best change of all. (I’m not spilling the beans on that change. Do you see my red face? No. Good!)
Well I don’t leap tall buildings with a single bound or stop bullets with my teeth, but I’m changing. Whether my photos show that in any great detail, or not, I feel a change. And that’s motivation in itself. Yes, I still have a lot of weight to lose, but then don’t we all have something we need to overcome. It’s just making the decision to eat right, exercise all over again every single day from now until eternity. I’ll always be a weight watcher, always be a food addict and always have to be careful not to lose control. But in the end it’s just like Lorel says, “I’m worth it!”
4 comments:
Well I don't know why nobody else has said anything yet so I will. Congratulations! 80 pounds is a BIG deal. The majority of it has come off in the last six months. I still don't know what has motivated you unless it really is the writing like you say. I can't wait to see your books published.
While #16 is wonderful, the best result is the happiness I see in you. And the energy you have now is amazing! I think I know what it is. You're seeing yourself going on all those book tours in the years to come. That's what is motivating you, isn't it? Well, you keep writing and keep up the hard work of getting up at 5:45am to go to the gym. I love you!
Dear Tim,
Thanks for your comment. It's hard writing stuff that you know no one will ever read let alone comment on. But then I just have to consider it my journal of sorts.
I have no other explanation for my motivation other than the single desire to look like my novel heroines. Thin, buff and beautiful. That may never happen in my life time, but losing weight really does boost your self esteem.
I've been reading a lot of novels lately and the thought keeps coming to me that I can do that too. We'll see.
I love you too. Thanks for the comment.
CA
Wow! I have a new hero. That is amazing. I keep quitting after I lose 5 lbs. and shouldn't because I have many many more to go. I see a big difference in your photo's. I'm also impressed that you kept it up after gaining weight in that first month of exercise. I think that's my main problem. I go, love going in fact, think I should be losing and there I go again, up another couple. How depressing. I feel like I gain muscle which adds to my weight but it's just new stuff, I don't think any of my fat has changed, just made room under itself for the new muscle. I too am a skinny girl in a fat woman's body. Maybe I'll use some of the inspiration you just sent my way and grab me a rice cake. Joking. Congrats and definitely keep it up. I have to think depression bouts are common throughout all of this process.
Trina,
You know depression was a big part of my problem. I was mad at myself for my lack of control. And that is exactly what weight problems are--a lack of control.
I was not in control of my life, my eating habits, my weight gain, my emotions, my sanity, and that frightened me. I was on medications for depression and panic attacks, I felt one step away from losing it all. Sometimes I come home at night from a job I hated and sit watching hours of mindless TV and get the feeling I was going to die.
Exercise has made all the difference. It isn't easy to drag myself to the gym at 6 a.m. every morning and exercise for two hours. I had to make a choice. I was either going to remain large, being miserable, condemning myself for my failures and consoling myself with food or change. It was an ugly, vicious cycle. I finally stepped off.
The writing, the blogging and adding a accountability really pushed me over the top. I no longer look to food to save me. It isn't part of my celebrations, I can actually eat what I want, but I've determined and am still learning how to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied (not full). And that's the real trick!
Good luck,
Carol
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